I'm Fine

“Are you okay?”

“Of course, I’m fine”

…

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes, it is. I’m fine”

…

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, I’m just fine. Take it easy”

…

Now, which one are the truth and the lies? You can’t decide? Me neither. Have somebody asked you about your condition then you said that you’re all okay whether you know exactly that you’re not just to make them feel relief or you don’t want them to fall into your own world. Have you? If you have, do you feel that this damn thing is an addicting thing? I meant, to lie about your real condition to anybody else.

Cause for me, yes it was.

And these are my reasons:

First, I did this because I don’t want everyone surround me feel worry about my condition (even I know, they won’t be). Second, I don’t want them to make such as unimportant questions which are annoying. Third, for me there’s only happiness to share for, not pain or sadness.

But I’m just human. I do have a heart. That’s why sometimes, I feel like breathless to do this. But my heart says that I should. I keep all the pains alone. Strengthen my defense from inside and outside. Swim into my world just to escape from the reality. Try to let my sadness go, take it as a lesson. But I can’t be that wise. I’m teenager. I’m 16. That’s when people call us (teenagers) labile. All I can do is trying. But the more I try, the more I spread those little lies. “I’m fine”, “I’m okay”, “everything’s alright”, when the fuck I will stop doing this? Pretending like I’m all okay, faking smile, well, I’ve been living with that method, I’m trying to feel accustomed.  But, sometimes, I do want someone here beside me, I don’t want her/him to give me advices or something like that, cause I know in the end, what I have to do is to be patient, feel more grateful and sincere, I just want them to be there to listen to my old damn stories, even I tell it over and over again. Somehow, I just need friend who’s really into me, who can be the place where to run to, who won’t be bored of wiping my tears when I’m in my deepest pain.

You know? I’m just feeling like I’m alone in this world…

I just need a friend that can be the one who will know the truth, who will hear that “I’m not fine or sick or in pain” when I tell everybody that “I’m fine”…

But in the end, I can’t find someone like it, and then the last, all I can say is “I’m fine”

love grows

hallo! balik lagi gue bakal ngebacot seenak udel di sini hehe. oke oke, sekarang gue lagi ngumpul kan nih sama 5 kurcaci gue, setelah sekitar 1 semester kita nggak ketemu, sumpah kangen banget sama mereka :( ini sih belom ngumpul semua, soalnya kalo pasukan lengkap itu ada 7 kurcaci plus gue. hahaha unyu banget-_-

tapi, bukan itu yang mau gue ceritain sebenernya. bukan tentang kurcaci-kurcaci gue. tapi posting kali ini karena suatu hal tentang mereka, tapi nggak ada hubungannya sama kehidupan mereka, oke, udah pusing liat tulisan gue? sama gue juga pusing yang nulisnya. lanjut.


tadi gue lagi duduk di ruang tv sama tante, om dan satu kurcaci I. gue megang bb nya kurcaci II. iseng iseng gue liat bbm nya dia. kali ini gue ngelanggar aturan gue yang nggak ngebolehin buka suatu tempat privacy mereka. including ; inbox, bbm, dll.
ada chat yang gini antara kurcaci II yang bergender cowok sama seorang cewek.

K II: kamu suka sama siapa?

cewek itu : kamu duluan

K II : kamu duluan pleaseeee

cewek : aku suka sama kamu

K II : aku suka sama kamu juga

Cewek : o

K II : kamu lagi nonton apa?

dari percakapan singkat itu gue nyadar aja betapa mudahnya kita waktu kita kecil buat ngomongin rasa cinta. tapi sekarang? when we're being older. kita dewasa. kita malah menyembunyikan perasaan suka, sayang, cinta atau apalah orang sering bilang. padahal waktu kecil? >>you decide<<

dan dari percakapan itu, betapa mudahnya kurcaci gue itu melupakan apa yang dia  bilang ke cewek itu? ohmy.....apa kita bener bener lahir untuk merasakan perasaan yang complicated banget buat di terjemahkan dengan kata-kata?

apa nanti semua orang seiring berjalannya waktu akan dengan mudah menyembunyikan perasaan mereka sedangkan waktu kecil kita dengan mudahnya jujur menyatakan perasaan kita? apa semua bakal jadi seperti itu? sedangkan setiap lyric lagu yang gue denger meminta pendengarnya untuk nyatakan cinta atau tunjukan cinta yang kita punya.