A journal: Being A-Happy-Lone-Wolf

A few days ago, I was riding my Pegasus ( re: my motorbike, that’s just how I named her), with my friend behind me, and we were cheap talking about what I’m doing lately. Being alone. Actually, I already did this since…. Only-God-knows-when, and it became a refreshment for me. I fell addicted to it, and now whenever I started to think my head or my heart is overload, I always take time only for myself, build a high walls, and keep myself away from people. And some other time when one of my friends were looking for me, I said, “I was going to bookstore.” And she asked if I’m with someone, no I said. I was alone. And she was like………” how could?” like it’s the strangest thing she ever heard. Or any other time I got this as a response for what I’m doing, “Jomblo banget?”

I don’t know what is happening to our society when being alone is somewhat strange and so unusual to people. Despite the fact of we’re a social creature or we used to be live in groups long before the century, but does it enough to make a judgement for those who likes to be alone? I know it’s an #IntrovertPerks lol.

Well, being alone is sometimes the last thing that I could do to escape, no, to make time for myself, to manage it all over again, then start again. When for my expectation, maybe I wanted to go on some vacations, go to some beaches –ya, I like beaches more than mountains, thanks to my allergic, have some tents to build, camp for a night is actually enough, then lay myself on the ground, stay awake for hours just to see a sky full of stars –Orion or if I’m lucky enough milky way and shooting stars, reading The Holy Quran to priest God for all these beautiful nature He create, even sometimes I found myself crying to realize how tiny winy bity I am compare to all these, masya Allah, and in the morning I would chase after the waves –such a stress relieve just to make my feet wet, since I’m not a good swimmer, sunbathing because I love to stand or sit and let its rays running through my skin(actually face and my hands only, haha), looking for some good shape of clams just to put it back when I leave. Beautiful, isn’t it? But when reality hits me, the deadline is tight, can’t go out of town for a few days, so “menyepi” is the answer.

In my humble opinion, sekarang kita hidup di zaman di mana masyarakatnya lebih mudah ngasih judgement dari pada susah-susah cari tau, kalau gak bisa kasih data empirik paling nggak baca artikel dulu yang banyak baru kemudian kasih judgement. Walau nggak usah naif juga sih, thinking to live in this world without judgement is truly wasting time. Karena memang nggak mungkin. We were born to make value. Bedanya ada yang disampaikan ada yang nggak. Yang disampaikan jadinya yang kayak teman-teman yang kasih respon demikian tadi, yang nggak ya paling dilirikan aja waktu bawa makanan ke tempat duduk, baca novel sambil makan atau minum for hours terus pulang.

Being alone is not that bad. I’m not saying that it’s an independency of being women thing either. It’s just you being you. Selesai. Karena nggak perempuan, nggak laki-laki banyak banget ternyata yang masih punya pikiran it’s pathetic to go outside alone. Well misses and misters, just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you’re lonely.

Saya sendiri merasa lebih peka saat sendirian. Karena nggak jarang saat kita pergi sama grup kita, kita bakal lebih fokus sama grup kita aja, ketawa-ketiwi dengan joke internal grup kita aja, atau bahas-bahas topik yang ada di lingkaran internal kita, kemudian orang-orang kita di sekitarnya cuma jadi out group aja udah, selesai. Meanwhile, when you go outside alone –eh nggak tau sih, ini kamu yang suka pergi sendirian ngerasa gini juga atau kamu yang bakal pergi sendirian juga bakal ngerasa gini juga atau nggak, you’re open up to another circle, nggak jarang obrolan-obrolan tercipta dari sekedar minta geser sambal atau kecap. Atau yang kemarin saya lihat obrolan justru tercipta saat ada orang yang mau makan nambah porsi ke si penjual. That’s maybe the perks of living in Indonesia sih. Tapi di situ seninya. Rasanya bisa ngobrol sama orang yang nggak dikenal dan mengalir gitu aja sampai soto semangkuk dan es teh habis itu menyenangkan. Rasanya saya yang beberapa kali ikut aksi kenaikan bahan bakar minyak jadi semakin semangat buat benar-benar turun ke jalan (kita di sini sudah sepakat ya setiap orang punya caranya masing-masing untuk berjuang, bisa lihat di tulisan saya berbulan-bulan sebelum ini, buka aja halaman jurnal saya) waktu dengar ibu-ibu atau bapak-bapak ini yang ujug-ujug (re: tiba-tiba) cerita kalo mereka merasa kesulitan dengan naiknya bahan bakar yang kata beberapa orang cuma seribu. Setiap ketemu sama hal-hal seperti ini saat menyendiri saya jadi tersadar lagi, “It’s real. The problem is real. Wake up.”

And another impact that I feel is that we depend ourselves so much to someone. I would go there if she go there. I would do it if he do it, etc. Why don’t you decide it only for your own? Yes, our life sometimes relate to someone’s life, but that shouldn’t make you depend yourself on someone. You know where to depend yourself only to, God. Ini bukan karena iri saya nggak punya kekasih atau apa ya, tapi jujur, I feel annoyed to those who depend their crucial decision to their girlfriend/boyfriend, for heaven’s sake they don’t even married, beda cerita ya kalau udah nikah, apalagi dari perempuan ke laki-laki, ya nurut atuhlah sama kepala keluarga.

Saya lupa sejak kapan jadi punya pikiran semacam ini. Mungkin sejak SMA? Itu pun karena satu dan dua hal yang akhirnya mengharuskan saya untuk bener-bener pindah dan hidup jauh dari orang tua, even basically I still lived with my aunties, kurang lebih mengubah cara pandang saya tentang menjadi sendiri itu tadi. Maybe in the next chapter of our life, only-God-knows-when, we would be in a time when there’s nothing to hold on but your God. You find no friends, your parents were too far and holding on to them is the same as adding some more grudges. That’s when I found my heart and my mind was overload. And meeting people was not helping. That’s when I decided to keep myself in my room, curhat sama yang memegang hati-hati ciptaanNya, yang pada intinya menata road map buat berjalan lagi, menjeda dari dunia luar, untuk kemudian berlari lagi. Sejak saat itu, me time jadi kegiatan rutin minimal sekali dalam dua minggu, tergantung seberapa tahan saya untuk nggak me time.

And someone ever asked me, “Anin kalau me time ngapain?” Saya biasanya ngamar aja seharian di rumah, beberes kamar, ngatur ulang tata letak kamar, mencuci atau masak. Coba gaya-gaya desain baru, baca novel chicklit di wattpad, sharing thoughts kayak gini, atau bahkan memutuskan untuk nggak ngapa-ngapain alias tidur seharian, haha. Atau seing juga naik motor keliling-keliling jajan aneh-aneh, ke toko benang jahit, makan ke tempat lucu atau warung-warung makan sederhana atau fan girling buku-buku baru habis baca sinopsisnya di toko buku just to put it back in the shelf karena keinget ada beberapa buku di rumah yang belum dibaca, all by myself –iyalah, namanya juga me time.

But just don’t judge me wrong, this piece of thought is not made to make you feel like you don’t need anybody or push you to be single for your whole life. Indeed, we still need people in society or someone we decide to spend our life with or later to chase for the afterlife, hand in hand for a better version of us. I made this post because I’m done hearing people “Jomblo ya…” or thinking that it’s weird to go alone somewhere. Well, no it’s not. Now, have a try.