Thursday, July 21, 2011

I'm Fine

“Are you okay?”
“Of course, I’m fine”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes, it is. I’m fine”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, I’m just fine. Take it easy”

Now, which one are the truth and the lies? You can’t decide? Me neither. Have somebody asked you about your condition then you said that you’re all okay whether you know exactly that you’re not just to make them feel relief or you don’t want them to fall into your own world. Have you? If you have, do you feel that this damn thing is an addicting thing? I meant, to lie about your real condition to anybody else.
Cause for me, yes it was.
And these are my reasons:
First, I did this because I don’t want everyone surround me feel worry about my condition (even I know, they won’t be). Second, I don’t want them to make such as unimportant questions which are annoying. Third, for me there’s only happiness to share for, not pain or sadness.

But I’m just human. I do have a heart. That’s why sometimes, I feel like breathless to do this. But my heart says that I should. I keep all the pains alone. Strengthen my defense from inside and outside. Swim into my world just to escape from the reality. Try to let my sadness go, take it as a lesson. But I can’t be that wise. I’m teenager. I’m 16. That’s when people call us (teenagers) labile. All I can do is trying. But the more I try, the more I spread those little lies. “I’m fine”, “I’m okay”, “everything’s alright”, when the fuck I will stop doing this? Pretending like I’m all okay, faking smile, well, I’ve been living with that method, I’m trying to feel accustomed.  But, sometimes, I do want someone here beside me, I don’t want her/him to give me advices or something like that, cause I know in the end, what I have to do is to be patient, feel more grateful and sincere, I just want them to be there to listen to my old damn stories, even I tell it over and over again. Somehow, I just need friend who’s really into me, who can be the place where to run to, who won’t be bored of wiping my tears when I’m in my deepest pain.

You know? I’m just feeling like I’m alone in this world…
I just need a friend that can be the one who will know the truth, who will hear that “I’m not fine or sick or in pain” when I tell everybody that “I’m fine”…

But in the end, I can’t find someone like it, and then the last, all I can say is “I’m fine”