Wednesday, May 8, 2013

It's (My) Home, isn't it?

First, I can't believe that it's been 3 years for me to live in Yogyakarta. A place that I ever refused to live in for a thousand times. It's been 3 years I live far from my hometown, Jakarta. A place that blinds me with those people who got me feeling satisfied, happy, sad, in love and hurt(so much). I remember the first time I said "yes" to move out of the town. Not only because my daddy's last request, but also that time I do really need a new place, a real new place to start a brand new life. A real brand new life. I felt Jakarta's not healthy for me anymore. So there I was, I decide to move.

I moved to one of region in Yogyakarta, which is Gunungkidul. Don't ask me the difference of my new place and Jakarta, cause It'd be like counting those fishes in the ocean. At first. I felt like this place is kinda messed me up. I meant, I did already have a kind of messy life, I need to fix it, but this place make it worse. And they, the people's around me, they act like "Chill out, dear, it's just an usual stuff for those who's moving out of their place, you'll be ok, just enjoy the process." And I was like, "BITCH! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!" I remembered all those times, where I cursed to everything, to everyone, everywhere and everytime. I didn't want to have any kind-of best-friend, I didn't want to get attached to this place, this people. I admit it, that I didn't like anybody that time.

But there I was, unconsciously letting the time changed me, my point of view, my maturity, my heart. I felt this place has changed my life, much. And lately, this place made me feel afraid, like the first time when my dad asked me to move to this place, I'm afraid if somebody would ask me to move back to the place I used to live in. I know exactly that everything must change, but this time, I feel so afraid, that I won't get fit in. Like, the people, can I get free smiles from them like I used to get when I live in Gunungkidul? And friends, my old friends, are they somebody that I used to know when I left? It's a lot of difference. I dont know why, but yes, I'm afraid of something changes.

Now, I'm in Jakarta, trying to feel the old feeling of "Yeaaay it's my home" but I dont feel anything. I remembered Lady Antebellum's song titled, "Home is Where The Heart is" I ever put my heart in this place, but how could I feel this way, like I never put it here?  Can it be moved?

I'm feeling homesick for the region I ever refused to live in, for the people I ever pushed away, for the place I ever refused to get attach to.